Un-Anniversary.
This month marks 3 years of infertility. Even as I typed those words, I think "Surely, that's not true." When we started this road, I couldn't fathom one more DAY of infertility, I thought it would break me, body and soul.
Yet, here we are. THREE YEARS later. Not broken. Grieved, yes. Pained, yes. Tear stained, yes. But, not broken.
Since April 2016 we have been in a season of waiting. A holding pattern of sorts. It's ironic that in our adoption process right now, we have officially been deemed a "waiting family". This means we are waiting for a referral (match) from the Korean adoption agency. It's a weird feeling to have such an official label for something that has already been our reality for 1,095 days but we appreciate the label, ha! We've been waiting for a long time to see the Lord's plan unfold for our family and how he would grow it. It's strange to now have a timeline set before us by the agency and to know that His plans will be revealed in 3 months or less. We. Simply. Can't. Wait. (Insert all the heart eyes here!)
I would have given anything at the beginning of the journey to know the timeline! Being a 1 (any ennegram friends?!?) means that I crave a timeline, a plan, and a well thought out decision! Knowing exactly how this all would play out, would have definitely been helpful for my heart right? Looking back though, I can see that while the Lord had a plan for the 'end', He also very much had a plan for the waiting too.
I know you can relate to this, we all have periods of waiting in our lives. Our lives turn out slightly different than we expected and as we try to swallow that reality, we often find ourselves in a time of waiting. What I'm learning is that the "wait" is just as important as the "thing". Thankfully, the Lord purposes our waiting periods.
"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14
IF we let Him, the Lord will use the wait to teach us more about Him and ourselves. During the wait, I've learned that He is good and that it's my choice whether or not to believe this. Before infertility, my view of the Lord was based on my current circumstances. My life is great = God is good. My life is NOT great = God isn't good. I learned during the wait that my faith was fearfully feeble and weak. Throughout this process, I have learned that the Lord is good reguardless of what I can "see" each day. Choosing to believe this truth has been one of the biggest lesson's the Lord has taught me.
I've also learned that the Lord has not forgotten me, despite what He's doing in the lives of those around me. We all know that comparison is the thief of all joy but did you know that it's also the quickest way to kill any intimacy you have with the Lord? I've learned that, the Lord blessing other's with the VERY thing He's withheld from me, doesn't mean He doesn't have a plan for me too! If I'm not careful this can create a crack in my thinking just big enough for the enemy to slither in and whisper lies to my heart. His working in my life isn't diminished by what He's doing in other peoples lives. He is faithful and will not forget us. We have both been overwhelmed by His faithfulness through our adoption process. He's truly gone before us in SO many areas of this thing!
I've learned that everyone is suffering. It's easy to be engulfed in our own pain but if we can look around us for a moment, we notice that we aren't alone. People around us are suffering from health issues, disbelief, lost loved ones, being laid off work....the list goes on. Pain and grief are not unique to a certain generation, ethnicity or economic status. Our own sufferings can create deep empathy for others and help us to love them better.
Lastly, the wait has taught me that the "thing" wont S A T I S F Y you. A baby, a spouse, new house, new job...whatever you're waiting on wont be the "thing" that finally satisfys you. Only Jesus can fully and completely satisfy you. This is GOOD news because it means we can be satisfied DURING the wait. This also helps us keep an acurrate perspective. Believing that something else can satisfy you besides Christ, sets you up for grave disappointment later on. I'm praying you to believe this and that the Lord shows you it's truth!
Trust me when, I say that this is only a snap shot of the things the Lord has taught me during this waiting season. Please know, that if you are in a waiting season as well, the Lord can use it to teach you more about Him. So invite Him INTO the wait with you, you'll enjoy His company I promise.
So, as we officially become labeled a "waiting family" we find ourselves giddy with excitement but still.....waiting! Waiting for the Lord to provide the funds we still need for our referral fee. Waiting to see the sweet face of the baby the Lord has chosen for us to parent. Waiting to see exactly how long until we can go pick them up. Waiting to pick out a name and design a nursery. We are EXTREMELY ready to hold our sweet baby and for the wait to be OVER but we are comforted to know that up until the very last day, the Lord will be purposing our wait time. We know it's not in vain and that we are not merely passing the time!
A Paul Tripp quote that a friend shared with me early on has been dear to my heart;
"Be paitent, willing to wait, and continue when continuing is hard."
Praying for you friend, that the Lord would purpose whatever "wait" you're in.
#heartandseoul
